September introspection

Thinking about life and death recently. Finding a way through my thoughts has been difficult. Worries about my ageing mother compound the fogginess after her recent fall. Thinking about dad and whether there is something else after death or not. Such an impossible question. Morning mist usually rises as the heat of the sun rising dissipates it. Thoughts can be like that in my head, starting early in the cold, deepening in intensity, then dissolving as the day progresses and stuff takes over. I have to look at the positive side of everything or I can drown in it. I hate negativity. Sometimes it takes you by surprise – everything’s suddenly OK and I don’t know why. Other times I have to plan my way out of it, fill up the space before something gets in there. Or I escape – go somewhere, see someone, call someone, read or draw.
Sometimes I cry.


September Escapades

Had hoped to be in Crete, but no chance. Surrounded by damaged human bodies!
Spent first day of September in hospital at a fracture clinic with mum – better than we’d thought, but 6-9 weeks for healing everything. C still has bad back so no flying. No Crete. Wonder if I could escape for a week away on my own – I’ll start planning!

Today there is an eery mist surrounding everything. Woke early but mist did not clear for hours. This is how I feel at the moment. Still grieving.

Planning some talks to sixth form students to go on an International Youthweek in Aurich, northern Germany. This will be different as I normally take students I know and these are from two different schools. Wondering about the difference – a new experience since retiring. Exciting or scary?

My niece had a baby girl last week – Matilda. Hope to see her in November.

My grandchildren freaked me out early in September – felt so useless, I couldn’t get anything right when I looked after them. This was a first and it really upset me. Surely I can do this. This week it was much better but exhausting. I don’t want any pointless battles. Must plan some surprises for next week.

Been picking blackberries in Cardiff, in Brecon and near Llandovery in the sun. I’m addicted. I love it – time stands still, you hear the birds singing, you watch life passes, then you can make jam or jelly – it’s just sensational. Everyone should be doing it – why aren’t they????

Drawing more trees this month – but not many‚Ķ…