June 2016 Thinking of Dad

Just got back from a Moderators Conference in Cardiff and listened to the Listening Project on Radio 4 that made me weep and think of dad. I miss him so much and it’s been 10 years. Could not get great sadness from my mind. Tried to read Tom Bullough’s book but it only made it worse as it is full of sadness and regret. That lead to my regrets and thinking about the waste in my past. Need to be more optimistic as I used to be. Come on…..Wondered what mark I will leave……

I’ve been missing my grandchildren – aged 3 and 1. It was good to see them again after my Spanish holiday. They give me great happiness when I look after them each week but it can be challenging. I want to see them grow and develop and blossom into beautiful adolescents and adults. I feel very protective of them yet also a little detached. I want them to love reading and drawing, going to art galleries, making things, helping people, be good listeners and be open minded about the world and find wonderful partners who do not betray their trust. No pressure then!!!!!!!

Today (Saturday) after my son dug out an old diseased cherry tree that dad had given me I planted, with great difficulty, an acer tree that has been growing in a pot on my patio. It looks tiny but will look gorgeous when it settles and grows taller. I am so pleased it brings a smile to my face every time I look out of the window and see it. The grass is a bit of a mess around it but that will settle eventually.

 

 

 

 

May in Spain

Spent May in Southern Spain in Estepona. A whole month reflecting on my life and spending time with my mum. Drawing every day on the beach or in the apartment was the icing on the cake. Thinking about death for some barmy reason was just my introspection gone mad. Swimming in the sea was sooooo good for me, my body, my skin and my mind. I find swimming soothes me, but also challenges me. I missed my grandkids and sos quite terribly which surprised me. Did loads of walking which helps me and just noticing things, looking at things was great. When you spend your life going places in the car you miss such a lot. Thinking was good mostly but sometimes made me think about what I should or could do now, thought about the past which sometimes makes me want to cry. Sadness is not good for me so I shall stop that now. The sunshine did not arrive at first so I was disappointed but when it did it was worth it. I’ve got a healthy tan and it makes me feel good. Talking to mum about her childhood and dad was lovely. She was born in 1927 so she’s 90 next year. She’s got many memories and it is so nice just asking her about things that happened in the past.