July – visiting Mum’s grave in Preston and the end of an era

July rolled along with the end of the school term approaching we were getting closer to the last day of Monty our grandson’s visits to our house since he was 5 months old. He starts school in September. We’ve had the most wonderful privilege of being with him as he grew up. He is something special. He has given us such joy and delight every day. I love him so much. Quite beyond what I expected. Our little routines and trips to the market, playgrounds and swimming have been an incredible gift for us. The memories will stay for ever. It brings a strange mixture of happiness tinged with sadness. We have to move on to a new stage in his life.

Near the middle of the month I visited my Mum’s grave on her birthday 180 miles away at the church where I was married in Bilsborrow. My amazing son’s partner drove me and I put flowers on mum and dad’s grave as well as gran and grandads grave. Those four people were so important to me as I grew up. Being in the beautiful churchyard was so lovely. It is the tight place for them to be and for me to honour their memory. I am still grieving so badly it even hurts to write this. But we stayed in Fleetwood at the North Euston Hotel overlooking the sea and had a great weekend. Took the tram down to Blackpool, saw an amazing exhibition of LouiseBorgouise’s Spiders, played the 2p machines on the pier, ate gorgeous tapas in Bispham and played Rummikub well into the evening drinking gin! The Sunday event called Tram Sunday was cancelled due to a predicted storm of wind and rain. That was sad as we loved that festival last year. It did give me the opportunity to show K a place called Garstang and revisit the graves on the way home. My emotions are always in turmoil as I leave Lancashire but sharing it with K is a real comfort. I am truly grateful for the care she shows me. I have stared some bereavement therapy for 6 weeks to try and help me as this month has been a very emotionally black time for me. Not sure I am ready to trust a stranger with this or even myself to be able to do it but I have to try.

I have enjoyed a sketchbook challenge on Facebook this month. A daily prompt to produce a page a day. Abstract work which was a challenge to me, but really enjoyable and interesting. Quite different from my usual drawing.

My youngest son took us to a fantastic installation in Raglan Castle where an artist has produced ‘relics’- 3D spheres of a 3D photograph of the Castke. I loved it. And we got to see a 3D film in a dome. I was in my element. Very inspiring. I’m glad his new job takes me to these places and events. Quite special.

The last weekend is here and as I look forward to a holiday in northern France next week I’m spending a weekend in Saundersfoot with my eldest son and his family in the house he has restored and rebuilt. An incredible job however stressful. It’s quite beautiful. I’ve been shopping with my eldest granddaughter and paddling with my youngest grandson, not forgetting the middle grandson who swam in the sea and played football on the beach. My son and I have a close relationship. Life is too short to let that change. Particularly mine. I love him beyond words.

I finished my ink paintings of tiles inspired from my trip to Istanbul and also enjoyed a day retreat of yoga and botanical printing this month when I stayed in Oxwich in my chalet. The beach there remains a totally tranquil place for me.

April begins

Suddenly it’s April. I’m back to my normal routine of -:

Weekends drive down to stay in my Oxwich beach chalet, for daily beach walks to blow my cobwebs away and feel close to mum.

Tuesday drive to Cardiff to see one son’s grandchildren, spend time with my daughter in law, meet : grandkids from school, stay overnight, spending the evening with my son if he’s not working silly hours,.

Wednesday take grandkids to school after breakfast together, including Isaac who is 5 with Trysomy9 syndrome, drive back to Brecon to my husband, Drive to my Samaritan evening duty.

Thursday and Friday look after my other sons son who is 4 with our familiar routines of Hay market and playground, fish and chips, Friday swimming and out with Friends in the evening.

Saturday morning drive down the Swansea valley, drop in on my younger son and partner , sometimes go somewhere quirky for lunch then on to Oxwich for more beach walking and beach combing. Often my younger son and my youngest grandson stay overnight on Sunday and go early to school and work on Monday morning. Just chill out together and play on the beach.

Sometimes I feel nomadic but weirdly this moving lifestyle suits me. I have time with everyone I love and time to myself and have returned to yoga and tai chi recently. I need all of these elements at the moment.

Into the mix of all this add yoga days with Rose on the Gower, swimming in the cold sea with the Port Eynon Seabirds when I can and my eldest son has renovated a house in Saundersfoot, Pembrokeshire for me to visit close to a beach and life moves on again. I seem to feel comfort and stillness in movement .

Negative things like my health and other’s health problems can be coped with when I’m helping others. I’m sure if other people analysed this they would find another conclusion! This is what I can control.

The Bali adventure continues

Sent from my iPhone

On 5 Dec 2022, at 09:41, valeriemeredith@icloud.com wrote:

17th November TheBatik Workshop. I found it frustrating at times. The technique of applying the wax was really difficult to control. But painting the inks on was great. And the finished picture was fabulous. The workshop was from 9.30 – 3.30 with lunch. They were a Balinese family and the son was a superb craftsman. I had two swims yesterday which helps my aching body after sitting on a low stool at the workshop.

19th November – Just back from Balinese dancing in Ubud Palace. Superb. Really enjoyed it. Todays trip to the rice fields was much better than the other day- no thunder and lightning and no wayward wandering. We went a different way through more of a tropical forest. The greens are amazing. The diversity of lush huge leafy plants and trees is stunning. The gorge was very deep and not touched by farming or tourism. Still had to avoid the scooters on part of the path. I hate them. We spent a couple of hours at a cafe with a view of the fields drawing. I didn’t do the workshop so just painted and drew. I’m only pleased with one drawing but that’s ok. Felt good to be in one place drawing for once. There were a few yoga teacher training places along the way- big draw here.

On the walk back we stopped off in the large temple and had to rent the obligatory sarongs and sashes, which was fun being dressed by a man. A lot of the carving is garish and cartoonish but interesting until I found out that most of it is concrete not stone and only 5 years old! So many people trying to sell you stuff and a few begging women- I don’t like that. I’m glad we’re moving to the mountains tomorrow.

Bali is interesting but not very clean and everyone wants to sell you stuff. Too many scooters and traffic in the towns for me. I expected something different but I am enjoying part of the holiday. It’s quite an adventure. We’re staying on the foothills of a volcano for 3 nights in rather basic accommodation. The drawing is good fun and we watched traditional Balinese dancing last night which was superb. Also the rice fields are beautiful too. I’m hoping to sleep tonight and get up early enough to have a swim before leaving at 9.30am. We’ve a 3 hour drive punctuated by a stop at a water temple and a market. I’ve a blister between my toes which is awful but I’ve put a plaster on it and fingers crossed it will be ok until I’ve climbed the volcano on Monday!

21st Nov

New hotel is not great. It’s near Bangli and Mt Batur.They did not have enough rooms for us so 2 rooms were across a busy road in another place in a tomato farm. Bathroom archaic and wiring not good. Slept with light on at first and got4hours sleep. Knackered.

Hotel owner not good. The tomato farmer talked to us this morning and is lovely and genuine. Pretty little garden that the workers walk through with tomatoes in the bucket on their heads past my room.

In Amed now Today we are sitting by the lake drawing and having lunch in a simple restaurant. Grilled lake fish over charcoal fire. Drawing the mountain range reminds me of our mountain in Brecon – Dinas ridge? It’s all in The experience. Beautiful lake changing with the light.

Amed hotel better but still seen better days. A few large ants for company. Comfy bed. Quite away from the centre. Nice meal last night- dory. Aching calves from volcano trek. Craving a bit of real luxury. By the sea so swimming everyday will help and also there is a small pool. Had almost 6 hours continuous sleep for first time so might feel more positive today.

Very humid so a/c on although not strong at least it works. Rosemarie has been I’ll for 2 days with diarrhoea. We think it was washing her teeth with the water. I’m using bottled water religiously. Nothing is very clean here.

24th November

Had a terrible swim in the too stony beach in front of the hotel but later after drawing in the breakfast room with the sound of the sea we went to the next beach 2 km away and had a lovely swim there. The sea was salty and clear and we watched shoals of fish leaping and chasing in the sea. The sand is black and coarse- not very nice but better than stones. Wherever we go someone pops us trying to get us to go on a boat or have a massage on the beach. The poverty and squalor is still upsetting at times. There are many places that have not survived Covid. But there are a few posher hotels along the coast.

Sunday
Three of us set off to walk to see the Japanese shipwreck about 4 km away. Not far but very up and down through two very small villages. Very poor, litter written, desperate for tourists. We saw women and men sorting the day’s catch of fish on their haunches working together packing them into iced polystyrene boxes ready to go to the bigger town. Children running about barefoot in the dirt. Dogs coming up to us sometimes barking but some indifferent. A few pathetic looking little shops a few street stalls selling fruit or rice/noodles. Everyone smiled at us, a few children waved. The temperature was 29 degrees at 9 am. We dropped as we walked. Stopped for a ginger tea at a small warung/ simple cafe. Got to the beach and one man tried to tell us we had to pay to see the wreck. We didn’t. We found a man with one tooth, who had snorkels to rent and we arranged a boat to take Martin and Maria back later 200 rupiah and a taxi for me ( his son) 80 rupiah after negotiating. We found the wreck and swam out to it, it was wonderful. Much more colourful coral reef and the fish were amazing. I hadn’t expected it to be so interesting as it was so close to the shore. The seabed took a really deep drop so I was well out of my depth but fascinated. It is a Japanese patrol boat from the Second World War.

26th November My 68th birthday

I’ve just arrived back at 21.48 from a wonderful meal at a nearby hotel. It is run by a Dutchman and was pristine. We met him. The menu was interesting and across western Indonesian and Balinese cuisine. The staff were lovely. Unknown to me Martyn and Maria booked it and we had cocktails then lovely food- I had giant prawns and veg and potatoes ( no rice for a change) and a sweet chilli sauce. Then they brought out a cake which had been prearranged saying Happy Birthday Mrs Val. Staff were delightful. A couple of bottles of white wine and some had beers- it’s the most we’ve drank all night. Luckily it was only 3 mins from our hotel. We all had a great night .

My birthday has been wonderful. Being with 5 strangers has its pluses and minuses. I miss the boys and the grandkids today as well as mum. I had a swim at 6.30am with one of our group in the pool then a walk on the stony black beach, paddling on the way back. On my return one of the group had placed frangipani flowers on my balcony wall and table. When I walked down to breakfast the maids ( all men) and breakfast staff met me on the path and sang to me.

We spent the morning drawing and painting by the sea listening to the waves. I had to be in the shade as it’s 29 degrees and very humid. Surprisingly there is very little sea breeze. I was pleased with my drawings. After lunch in the restaurant next door I went to my room for a lie down in the cool a/c as I was overheating.

A memorable 68th birthday.

Tuesday
Left Amed after my morning swim. The staff were really nice there. 2.5 hrs bumpy journey in a minibus but through interesting scenery of rice fields and the sea and very busy. Once back in our lovely hotel we went for an explore to a new street we’d driven down on the way in that looked interesting and it was. Some really good shops not aimed at tourists. Had a cocktail and then back for a swim before dinner. I’ve e had the runs for a few nights but not much in the day and no pain, but during dinner I had both so I came home early and took some Imodium. I need it settled by Thursday afternoon. Tomorrow 3 of us are doing a silver jewellery workshop so hope I’m better. Rest of day is free to relax around the pool.

I’m getting tired now of the humidity but I’ve had a good day today.

I loved the silver workshop and although it was difficult at times I made two rings one with a Carnelian stone like Grans stone in my necklace even though I only realised after it was made. It was a perfect last day.

April walking and swimming and Ukraine

My walking has become a meditation when I feel truly myself mostly on the long sweeping beach at Oxwich Bay. It’s wonderfully underdeveloped, just sand dunes and sea. They’ve banned the launch of jet skis so no droning wasp sounds in the evening. I prefer watching the amazing kite surfers when it’s windy and paddle boarders when it’s calm. Each week my grandson and I explore the rock pools and paddle in the curling waves, giving me the best feeling ever. He’s a very special little person. Every time I pick up an interesting shell I think of my gran and mum. I can see them both bending from the waist absorbed in their search on so many beaches in my life. Shells and stones are so beautiful to look at and draw, taking you somewhere calm and tranquil along this huge expanse of a seascape. The feel of their texture is like a comfort to me, helping to take worries away or at least accept them. A moment of calm. I love looking at the sea, however it is behaving. This month it has been different every weekend. It fascinates me. I’ve been in twice only to swim, it’s still mightily cold but zinging when you come out to dry. Paddling on the way back from my walk to Three Cliffs Bay continues to delight and is really good for my feet.

I met a lady and her son from Ukraine one Sunday as I walked past a holiday house singing ‘The wheels on the bus” to my grandson as he’d slipped into a rock pool and got squelchy wellies and socks when we saw a crab and we both got over excited. She spoke little English but explained that they had come from the centre of the country which was bombed by planes and she was so happy here. Her little boy was six and instantly played tag with Monty, chasing each other and standing on the gate watching the horses. The second time we saw her I took a welcome present of toiletries, nail varnish, hand cream, a Batman toothbrush and a sketch pad with pencils. They were delighted. Then as we returned from a walk she appeared with two sets of pyjamas for Monty. So lovely a gesture.

Swimming each week on a Friday in the local pool with Monty has been so good. He treats it like a play area, but along the way he has a strong kick and has the beginnings of a front crawl with his swimming aids. These weekly routines are important to us both. We finish off with an ice cream lolly and a soft play session in the pool cafe. Then it’s off to get fish and chips. The day is filled with joy.

We had a lovely egg rolling family get together on Easter Monday when all four grandchildren played together on the beach and we hid eggs outside my chalet for them to find. It was such a nice occasion, everyone eating, talking and playing together. Just being.

Missing mum but I’ve got to accept that sadness for a little longer.

My eldest grandchild in full flight

Storm Eunice with four grandchildren in Saundersfoot

What a weekend! It started on an anxious ridden Friday watching the trees bend in the stormy wind, rearranging and retrieving gardenfurniture, trying to decide whether our trip was “essential “ or could we go on Saturday morning. Gradually things calmed down and off we went without disaster as envisioned in my mind! We had a great weekend of storm watching, beach wandering with a bit of digging with three year olds, hot tub dipping, early morning stories, drawing, playing, stretching and baking soda farls. Lots of lovely time spent together, special. Not listening to news or weather disasters- really chilled. Not sad, but happy.

Far away

Soda Farls in a storm- connection to mum and Northern Ireland

Trying a new experience at 67 and 3

January 2022 A month of celebrations, anniversaries and remembering

The New Year starts. I’m fearful and joyful about what January brings to my life. Celebrations come in the form of my youngest son’s 35th birthday, my estranged brother’s 72nd birthday, my son’s partner’s birthday (? 33), their 8th anniversary of their first date, a friend’s 68th birthday, my grandson’s 7th birthday and Mum’s death on the 25th two years ago. What a list. I can think of stories to go with each of these occasions that will make me laugh and those that will make me cry. Each is a bundle of memories unwrapped ready for their day. I’m trying to dwell on the positive memories as January is not a good month for negativity.

Drawing on January 2nd 2022

Christmas 2021

Christmas Day – wonderful to be with my youngest son and his family- didn’t want to leave the joy of my grandson.

Boxing Day – another wonderful day with both sons and their families – lots of food, noise and excitement, so much to see and admire, to enjoy. The children all together enjoying each other’s games and imaginings, delighting in each other. Play kitchens have been a hit, Sonic and Mario too. Walking in the park was so busy, uncomfortable, but two smiling three years olds on the swings soon faded that feeling. Tired. No one wanted to play cards or Rummikub sadly.

So now without grandkids I feel incomplete, but have many house jobs to do and books to read, cupboards to sort out, walks to do, if the rain allows me to. My sleep pattern needs sorting too. My brother and his partner have COVID-19 and so I’m worried as it is such an unpredictable disease – mild for some, life threatening for others. My dear American pen pal in South Dakota who has cancer was wonderfully surprised when I FaceTimed her on Christmas Day- she looked really good, it was lovely talking to her as if she was just down the road. Let’s hope that all the chemotherapy is worth it. Must get some sleep. I made it mum without you here. I almost feel guilty that I didn’t have a meltdown. I write this for you so you know what’s going on in our lives. I can’t stay in my Oxwich chalet until March so my long beach walks will be missed every day. I better get back to walking along the canal.

Roath Park in Cardiff on Boxing Day

Oxwich beach

My first beach find of sea glass – hoping for larger and colourful piece next time. It’s really hard to find.

A December drawing

Halloween and October holidays

This month I have enjoyed some great holidays, starting with our annual family gathering in Pembrokeshire at a gorgeous house in Saundersfoot. Twelve of us together, two sons with their families and my brother and his partner with me and my husband. Children everywhere delighted to be together. Wild abandon coupled with some coughs which spread through us all! Beach walking with donuts, talking, eating and playing, an early Halloween party and hot tubbing in the evening was joyous. I love to watch them all. Naturally my thoughts turned to missing mum. She loved this week together though her hearing made it difficult sometimes. I told everyone about my hearing aid which was strange, slightly embarrassing. I had a skin reaction to the hot tub, but it was worth it to sit overlooking the beach and town in the dark, even when some nights the rain fell, with some wine and having good conversation. It’s the only time that we get together now with my brother. It would have been wonderful if he had had kids.

The following week I travelled to Edinburgh with my brother. My week was split between Edinburgh and the Cairngorms. It was just great. Art galleries, restaurants, sightseeing, playing Canasta. The mountains were majestic, sometimes clothed in misty fog, rivers were edged with golden Autumnal trees. Dundee V&A was superb. Walking on Portobello beach was my usual delight. Unfortunately we all succumbed to the grandchildren’s bugs so had a few days battling with a cold and cough. But we survived.

My thoughts were with Cathy and her struggle with her horrible illness. I might be able to get out to America later this month if she’s well enough. We’ll see. My own life seems different somehow and I still get a feeling of disconnectedness, feeling like I’m somewhere else, a sadness really that I can explain but have no control over. Thinking about how long I might have left and what should I do, what difference I can make to my sons lives sometimes is confusing and sometimes is depressing. I can’t talk to anyone about this except in small chunks with my sons. It almost feels like I’m being self indulgent. Visiting Mum’s grave on the way to Scotland was very emotional and reminded me that bereavement is with us all of the time just in different concentrations. It can catch me out sometimes in its intensity. At other times it is a wonderful memory that makes me smile.

Into October we go – celebrations and shocks

September brought some great sunny days and included birthday celebrations and some shocking news. We had a fun filled day at Oxwich celebrating my youngest grandson’s third birthday. Seeing him play with two of his cousins and watching my sons together was just heartwarming. Paddling in the sea was a special delight. They have a capacity to transfer their joy at jumping waves which is like a medicine for me. The shock came when my American penpal of 56 years told me her cancer was worse and she has been given just two months to live. How do you deal with that news? It has naturally put my thoughts back to death. I’m still grieving for mum and continually feeling sad. But this is not about me. My dear friend will soon not be here and it feels so unfair for her and her wonderful daughter. Yesterday I walked on the beach that she walked on when she was here for her first visit in 2019 and she came into my thoughts. I was making a list in my head about what I needed to do including a new will and get myself financially organised. I just felt l wanted to talk to her. I was watching the calm sea and the greyness and a blue streak on the horizon. There were two paddle boarders on the sea and they both had a dog with them on the board! They looked so calm. On my return to my little beach chalet I just looked at the time difference and went for it. She answered straight away. It was so wonderful. I’m sure I spoke too quickly and rambled, but we just chatted as if she was close by. I even spoke to her daughter. Take a chance and do what you feel is right. So I’m emotional thinking about it. Now I have to plan a visit although flying so far in these Covid times fills me with dread.

Watching the rain falling August 2021

The rain is gently floating down here in Oxwich. I’m contemplating a walk on the beach soon no matter what the weather is like. Feeling a huge gap in my life after a wonderful family day yesterday with my grandkids. How strange as I should be feeling uplifted and blessed. They are all so full of energy and delight. I usually enjoy being here by the beach. I’m also in the aftermath of a nasty unexpected encounter on WhatsApp that has left me battered and bruised. I’m trying to minimise its impact and be mature so that’s why I’m probably going to have a walk in the rain soon and watch the sea.