Ruby wedding anniversary 1st August 2021

For better or worse……

Concentrating on the better is the only way forward. I had a quiet day in Oxwich with my son, grandson and husband. I didn’t want a big celebration that would have been hypocritical. My emotions are mixed. I have looked back to that special day remembering my delight at lots of moments. In particular the happiness of mum and dad, gran and grandad, the lovely church in Bilsborrow where they are all buried now. We decorated the church with blue hydrangeas from our garden. The choir lined up for me and dad to enter the church. It was a magical day for me. Truly magical. I am still finding it hard to rise above my sadness. Some days are better than others, but I’m trying to learn to live with it rather than get consumed by it. I have a future.

July heat and emotional rollercoaster

As I sit at the side of the house in Brecon in 30+ degrees in the shade in the middle of “an extreme heat” event, I am recovering from a horrid dose of norovirus. I will spare you the details. This month brings Mum’s 94th birthday rolling in with amazing memories of celebrating her birthdays particularly since she was 80 as well as the blackness of the space she’s left in me. I’ve been down at Oxwich every weekend since Easter slowly healing and giving myself the space to do that. I visited Cardiff on the way home each week to see my gorgeous grandkids and daughter in law. Keeping on with my weekly stints being a Samaritan listener has given me a strength nothing else can give me in my life. So many complicated lives to share and care about. Looking after Monty continues my joy with the added weekly swim/ splash now fully in place. Nothing like a special treat box to keep a two year old still in the changing room! His imaginative play has grown again. It goes into realms I can only guess at. Quite inspiring. Then as I finally get the completed bill from the solicitor ( that’s 1 year and 5 and a half months) I go into a tailspin. The expenses are ridiculous and so high it took my breath away. But absolutely everyone in the family has told me to walk away from it all for my sake. One hundred per cent the same advice from them and my best friend. It is unheard of them to be in unison! On anything! So I must do that. My first instinct was to fight for every penny of Mum’s money for her and dad’s sake. They had worked so hard for this. It was their gift to me and Laury. But I had a long reflection in Oxwich and decided to take everyone’s advice. It will always be their money in trust to me ready for my kids. Then my thoughts turned naturally to what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I feel as if I’ve been either drowning or at best treading water since mum died. This can’t go on. It’s making me ill. No peace. Almost 18 months. My thoughts went downhill again regarding my personal relationship. One late night phone call later and unbelievably some progress about the past happened. But it was extremely painful and the edge was not a pleasant place to teeter on. It could have gone either way. Everything had come to a sharp point. I can analyse why easily, but that’s irrelevant. There’s the beginning of a path cleared so we’ll see where it leads.

April passes, May begins, 2021 rolls on

April was lovely as I could spend my weekends in my little chalet in Oxwich and my midweek at Samaritans and looking after my youngest grandson. Towards the end of April I decided to do a rather large detour of 45 miles to my eldest son’s house and spend some time with his wife and meet two of his children from school, play with them and tell them a Rhodri Rabbit story for bedtime before driving home. The afternoon was spent playing with Isaac- the one grandchild I haven’t looked after and I miss that closeness, so I decided to build up our bond. He doesn’t talk yet so it’s sometimes frustrating for both of us to understand each other, but I’m working on it. I value my time with him and his mum before the others invade our space. It gives us all warmth. Connecting. My younger son has started to come to my chalet with his son for Sunday lunch and cook it too, staying overnight. It’s so lovely.

I’m still in another place emotionally. A strange place and I just don’t know when this will end. Someone last week really understood the way I am feeling about photos and memories. He’d lost his mum 5 years ago. It was a few minutes conversation that gave me a real lift. Yet as May starts I’m feeling so awful, missing mum more than ever. It’s like I’m not really here. Just can’t focus on the future. Or the present sometimes. Just death.

March18th 2021 The past haunts and enchants

My brain filters out memories at different times. I thought I’d remember every good moment in my life and suppress all the bad things that have happened, but that’s not how it is working out. I know how damaging my thoughts about what has happened to me are. There’s lots of ways of dealing with negative thoughts about those people who have hurt me and I’ve tried most of them. So what should I do? My sadness is not good for me. My hatred and distrust of some people is not want I want in my life. These people probably have no thought about me and what they have done. Do I want to be defined by others actions? I worry about my own decisions at moments of intense stress caused by the actions of others were the right ones. I say to myself that I cannot change any of it so move on. Concentrate on the future and my grandchildren. Enjoy so many great memories with my family and students. Sounds simple doesn’t it?

What would you miss if I died tomorrow?

Reading poetry by someone I know at 4 am, up all night, sleep has evaded me, brain stuffed full of stuff that needs to be forgotten, old feelings have returned violently invading me. The wind is howling outside, hurling droplets of rain on my window. Things will probably be scattered around the garden in the morning. I don’t really understand why I am nocturnal some nights. But it is unnerving. Yet as I inhabit this space it feels a bit comforting as if it’s all mine, I inhabit it, I own it, I am in control. My thoughts can’t be written down publicly sometimes. Their ferocity is frightening. They are still here so clearly after such a long time since it happened. Ridiculous. Aren’t memories supposed to fade with time. I wish I could filter them out. Walking by moonlight yesterday evening reminded me of times and feelings long gone. Looking down from the hill towards the town twinkling with lights, as if we were somewhere else. It was like a film. I could imagine many stories happening there. I wish we had stopped for longer. I felt like an observer of the world. Disconnected but humbled by such a beautiful sight. The air was still. Sliding on the mud as we walked through the trees, the branches wove together as they criss-crossed the moon overhead, the snowdrops carpeted amongst the tree roots, gorgeously glowing in the moon light. Everything seemed amazing and intense. I liked that.

December 2018 A year of Firsts

The main focus of my life is still mum at 91 and her new house. Overwhelming at times, irritating occasionally, delightfully distracting at other times, sometimes fulfilling, often emotional.   This Christmas will be her first Christmas in her new home and the first time she has moved into a new home without dad. Her everlasting list is always waiting for me!

More firsts : My two new grandsons Monty and Isaac are approaching their first Christmas and Steffan and Kayleigh are parents for their first Christmas- mum and dad. It’s the first Christmas together for all four grandchildren. It’s the first Christmas for my two sons to both be dads. There’s probably more firsts but I can’t think of them at the moment.

Christmas day was lovely cooking in mum’s new kitchen and having time to spend with Monty. Boxing Day was good in Cardiff too with Rhodri and the three other grandchildren and see how R&S, H&K get on so well. 11 of us now. I will buy less presents next year. I will not be disappointed again. I must learn from my mistakes even at 64!

I had a wonderful walk on the beach on the 28th on Swansea Bay after a great lunch in Diablos on the marina with S,K&Monty. Really good conversation and relaxation. And collecting shells. Thinking of my gran. She loved doing that yet I never knew what she did with them.

My brother and partner arrived for New Year so he’s helping with jobs at mum’s house which takes the pressure off me for a few days. Introduced him to my favourite pub The Tap in Brecon and some amazing walks. I’ve had no contact from my older brother or his daughter. Sad.

October 2018 fretting

October has begun and I’m still looking after mum. I had a brief visit home in September for 3 days to meet my new grandson on the 16th – Monty Eric Meredith- my youngest son’s first child with his amazing partner Kayleigh. It was very emotional for me- way more than expected. I’ve been away from him for the rest of September so now I’m going home on the 7th October and will be over to cuddle him ASAP! I’ve been wading through thousands of photographs from mum’s attic and helping her select some for a photo box. Turned into an epic job and full of memories mostly good but also filled me with a deep sense of loss. I can’t talk to anyone about this loss but it keeps me awake at night and I feel a bit disconnected with the world because of it. A bit sad.  No doubt someone could psychoanalyse that! Add to that my sense of dread that I might stuff up mum’s move and buying and selling of houses that makes me totally messed up and in need of a hug from someone. I have made a promise to myself to start sorting out my attic when I get home. I recognise I have too much stuff and I don’t want any more. I want less stuff. I’m going to pretend I’m moving into a small house and need to downsize. We’ll see. I want to feel happy again. I’m looking forward to having the whole family together in Saundersfoot in West Wales in mid October from aged 91 to 4 weeks old. It’ll be mayhem with 4 grandkids, but glorious too. And there’s a hot tub……

October week in Saundersfoot was divine. Only missing part of the family was my youngest son and partner and the newborn grandson Monty. Walking on the beach, soaking in the hot tub, drawing with my grandchildren and something unexpected- not for publication! Everyone seemed to relax. Mum went home with my brother to continue packing her stuff and when I returned to Brecon I began the gutting of her new bungalow. We completed whilst we were on holiday, so the saga continues- out comes the bathroom and kitchen and I have 4 weeks to renovate everything. I thought I was stressed before- now I am really stressed. It has taken over my entire life and thought processes! I feel utterly responsible for my Mum’s future happiness. I am dealing with plumbers, electricians, kitchen and bathroom fitters, gas central heating engineers, carpet fitters, carpet cleaners, decorators, wardrobe fitters, French door fitters ( and hole in the wall bashers!) as well as Council tax, water board, electricity and gas, refuse collections, telephone and internet providers, car insurance, driving licence, buildings and contents insurance, doctors, dentists, libraries, pension people, estate agents for the old house, solicitors and getting to know new neighbours for mums arrival in November. Like in the Oscars speeches – I may have missed someone out! Will it be finished in time……. Not quite Grand Designs but I can understand that pressure. All will be revealed in November if I make it.

August 2016 – married for 35 years

August 1st 1981 – walked down the aisle Valerie Anne Smythe and married Christopher Laurence Meredith at St. Hilda’s Church in Bilsborrow, Lancashire.

Memories of that day include….when everyone was at the church there was just me and dad left and we walked in the garden in the sunshine. It was so quiet and still and calm. We just talked and it was the very best moment in time for me, a closeness that has never been replicated.

Visited my friend from University back in the 70s. We had a lovely few days just talking art and seeing Georgia O’Keefe’s exhibition in Tate Modern – such paintings and drawings – sooooo wonderful. Just want to get back to making art. Just hope the chemotherapy works for her.

Set off in the night last week of August to go to the International Youthweek in Aurich, northern Germany with 4 sixth formers to join students from Germany, Finland, Sweden and Romania. Amazing.

 

June 2016 Thinking of Dad

Just got back from a Moderators Conference in Cardiff and listened to the Listening Project on Radio 4 that made me weep and think of dad. I miss him so much and it’s been 10 years. Could not get great sadness from my mind. Tried to read Tom Bullough’s book but it only made it worse as it is full of sadness and regret. That lead to my regrets and thinking about the waste in my past. Need to be more optimistic as I used to be. Come on…..Wondered what mark I will leave……

I’ve been missing my grandchildren – aged 3 and 1. It was good to see them again after my Spanish holiday. They give me great happiness when I look after them each week but it can be challenging. I want to see them grow and develop and blossom into beautiful adolescents and adults. I feel very protective of them yet also a little detached. I want them to love reading and drawing, going to art galleries, making things, helping people, be good listeners and be open minded about the world and find wonderful partners who do not betray their trust. No pressure then!!!!!!!

Today (Saturday) after my son dug out an old diseased cherry tree that dad had given me I planted, with great difficulty, an acer tree that has been growing in a pot on my patio. It looks tiny but will look gorgeous when it settles and grows taller. I am so pleased it brings a smile to my face every time I look out of the window and see it. The grass is a bit of a mess around it but that will settle eventually.