Storm Eunice with four grandchildren in Saundersfoot

What a weekend! It started on an anxious ridden Friday watching the trees bend in the stormy wind, rearranging and retrieving gardenfurniture, trying to decide whether our trip was “essential “ or could we go on Saturday morning. Gradually things calmed down and off we went without disaster as envisioned in my mind! We had a great weekend of storm watching, beach wandering with a bit of digging with three year olds, hot tub dipping, early morning stories, drawing, playing, stretching and baking soda farls. Lots of lovely time spent together, special. Not listening to news or weather disasters- really chilled. Not sad, but happy.

Far away

Soda Farls in a storm- connection to mum and Northern Ireland

Trying a new experience at 67 and 3

It’s still February 2020

I should have been enjoying a short half term break with my sons and grandchildren, but I’m not. Wales is still in lockdown with the rest of the UK. This week is also a year ago since Mum’s cremation, two funerals and burial of the ashes in Dad’s grave. Quite a week last year. Sadness pervades my life and although I don’t have that crushing weight on my chest from that time I can’t shift the grief, the sad remembering. I want to get to the stage where I can chuckle at a great memory we share. I have started to get there when others talk about mum, but not on my own. I read today about how hard it is to be kind to others. I agree particularly if someone has been unkind to you. Forgetting unkindness is really difficult. But the feeling you get when you are kind without wanting a return is amazing. Although being kind is either viewed as saintly or weak and naive, it is a truly strong act to another human being whether known or not. Let’s risk it.

October 2018 fretting

October has begun and I’m still looking after mum. I had a brief visit home in September for 3 days to meet my new grandson on the 16th – Monty Eric Meredith- my youngest son’s first child with his amazing partner Kayleigh. It was very emotional for me- way more than expected. I’ve been away from him for the rest of September so now I’m going home on the 7th October and will be over to cuddle him ASAP! I’ve been wading through thousands of photographs from mum’s attic and helping her select some for a photo box. Turned into an epic job and full of memories mostly good but also filled me with a deep sense of loss. I can’t talk to anyone about this loss but it keeps me awake at night and I feel a bit disconnected with the world because of it. A bit sad.  No doubt someone could psychoanalyse that! Add to that my sense of dread that I might stuff up mum’s move and buying and selling of houses that makes me totally messed up and in need of a hug from someone. I have made a promise to myself to start sorting out my attic when I get home. I recognise I have too much stuff and I don’t want any more. I want less stuff. I’m going to pretend I’m moving into a small house and need to downsize. We’ll see. I want to feel happy again. I’m looking forward to having the whole family together in Saundersfoot in West Wales in mid October from aged 91 to 4 weeks old. It’ll be mayhem with 4 grandkids, but glorious too. And there’s a hot tub……

October week in Saundersfoot was divine. Only missing part of the family was my youngest son and partner and the newborn grandson Monty. Walking on the beach, soaking in the hot tub, drawing with my grandchildren and something unexpected- not for publication! Everyone seemed to relax. Mum went home with my brother to continue packing her stuff and when I returned to Brecon I began the gutting of her new bungalow. We completed whilst we were on holiday, so the saga continues- out comes the bathroom and kitchen and I have 4 weeks to renovate everything. I thought I was stressed before- now I am really stressed. It has taken over my entire life and thought processes! I feel utterly responsible for my Mum’s future happiness. I am dealing with plumbers, electricians, kitchen and bathroom fitters, gas central heating engineers, carpet fitters, carpet cleaners, decorators, wardrobe fitters, French door fitters ( and hole in the wall bashers!) as well as Council tax, water board, electricity and gas, refuse collections, telephone and internet providers, car insurance, driving licence, buildings and contents insurance, doctors, dentists, libraries, pension people, estate agents for the old house, solicitors and getting to know new neighbours for mums arrival in November. Like in the Oscars speeches – I may have missed someone out! Will it be finished in time……. Not quite Grand Designs but I can understand that pressure. All will be revealed in November if I make it.

September -October-November

Autumn into Winter

September was just doing my normal routines, duties, daily drawing, grand – parenting and visiting Mum in Preston. The big event was the front room parquet floor being restored. After being covered since the fifties it was an amazing transformation. It is fantastic. I love it. It is now my favourite room.

October continued, but at the end of the month I collected mum from Preston and we all went to Saundersfoot for a week in a gorgeous house overlooking the beach with a hot tub. It was great to have 4 generations of my family together. Helen is expecting their third child in February so we’ve lots to look forward to. It was a wonderful week. I started my third year of daily drawing this week.

November was my birthday month so I invited my sons and their families to my house to celebrate. It was perfect. Two of my paintings were accepted for the Winterwall exhibition in the Cardiff MADE gallery. I was so chuffed. Quite a special day. They are white treescapes on tissue paper. The trees are tiny silhouettes on top of the mountain opposite my house – my daily view.

My annul visit to the O2 to see the ATP Tennis finals happened in a different way – I stayed with L. (university friend) and together we managed to see the Tate Britain’s Rachel Whiteread’s exhibition and the tennis, some long conversations and then I visited my brother and his daughter and met my new grand niece Erin for the first time as  well as my other two grand nice and nephew. A frustrating visit but the kids were superb.