Returning to my blog after 8 months April 2024

Rereading my last blog from July last year brought back an emotion that was sad. Strangely to me this is like a diary of my feelings that I can’t always share with others, yet this is public. Few people read this or comment so it will just sit there in the ether. Somehow that doesn’t matter to me.

My life has changed since July with regards to my wonderful youngest grandson Monty. He has started school in a Welsh primary school in Ystalafera South Wales. My husband and I pick him up on Fridays and take him swimming before returning him home. It is a simple but wonderful routine that saves me from the abyss of depression. I don’t have as much contact with my other three grandchildren but still see them as holidays and birthdays allow. I’m always trying to find new ways to help my deep grief which hasn’t gone away. Feeling lonely yet in a marriage isn’t a new phenomenon but it’s very hard to change things when all you think about is the death of others and yourself. Very destructive Avenue of thought. So I’ve joined two yoga classes now and really like the teachers, young amazing women Rose and Becky. Becky is a new re acquaintance after 19 years – I taught her art. Both are deep thinkers. I finished a few months of art therapy before Christmas but had to do it on zoom as she lived in a very remote area. I couldn’t continue like that nor could I drive to her house. One thing she explained to me though was that my experience of Mum’s death was a traumatic experience which could be considered as PTSD as my memories are a reliving of that moment. Interesting thought. Yet they still keep happening and distressing me. I haven’t told the family about this.

I’m spending my weekends on my own in my chalet in Oxwich which sometimes is lonely but I need to be able to walk on the beach to heal myself. I join walks with a couple of groups of women and go sea dipping with them too. This is so good for me. I haven’t made any close friends yet but they are nice people. Their stories are amazing.

I’m still volunteering as a Samaritan which keeps me grounded when you need to help those who are in such distress. I’ve come a little way from that point so I know it’s possible.

And the drawing. I had a spell of not drawing or more sporadic drawing since Christmas but have returned since Easter and have gone out of my comfort zone making thoughtful patterns based on what I notice around me. I’ve finished the first side of a little concertina sketchbook so am working on the other side. I am enjoying it surprisingly- no shading just black lines!

We passed the first anniversary of my American friend Cathy’s death in January. I spoke to her daughter who had also lost her estranged father in that week too. A lot to take in. I met him when we visited. Alcoholic. Affected all their lives. I still can’t believe Cathy came over to visit me just before she was diagnosed with cancer and we had such a wonderful time together.

Now I’m off for a walk on the beach.

July – visiting Mum’s grave in Preston and the end of an era

July rolled along with the end of the school term approaching we were getting closer to the last day of Monty our grandson’s visits to our house since he was 5 months old. He starts school in September. We’ve had the most wonderful privilege of being with him as he grew up. He is something special. He has given us such joy and delight every day. I love him so much. Quite beyond what I expected. Our little routines and trips to the market, playgrounds and swimming have been an incredible gift for us. The memories will stay for ever. It brings a strange mixture of happiness tinged with sadness. We have to move on to a new stage in his life.

Near the middle of the month I visited my Mum’s grave on her birthday 180 miles away at the church where I was married in Bilsborrow. My amazing son’s partner drove me and I put flowers on mum and dad’s grave as well as gran and grandads grave. Those four people were so important to me as I grew up. Being in the beautiful churchyard was so lovely. It is the tight place for them to be and for me to honour their memory. I am still grieving so badly it even hurts to write this. But we stayed in Fleetwood at the North Euston Hotel overlooking the sea and had a great weekend. Took the tram down to Blackpool, saw an amazing exhibition of LouiseBorgouise’s Spiders, played the 2p machines on the pier, ate gorgeous tapas in Bispham and played Rummikub well into the evening drinking gin! The Sunday event called Tram Sunday was cancelled due to a predicted storm of wind and rain. That was sad as we loved that festival last year. It did give me the opportunity to show K a place called Garstang and revisit the graves on the way home. My emotions are always in turmoil as I leave Lancashire but sharing it with K is a real comfort. I am truly grateful for the care she shows me. I have stared some bereavement therapy for 6 weeks to try and help me as this month has been a very emotionally black time for me. Not sure I am ready to trust a stranger with this or even myself to be able to do it but I have to try.

I have enjoyed a sketchbook challenge on Facebook this month. A daily prompt to produce a page a day. Abstract work which was a challenge to me, but really enjoyable and interesting. Quite different from my usual drawing.

My youngest son took us to a fantastic installation in Raglan Castle where an artist has produced ‘relics’- 3D spheres of a 3D photograph of the Castke. I loved it. And we got to see a 3D film in a dome. I was in my element. Very inspiring. I’m glad his new job takes me to these places and events. Quite special.

The last weekend is here and as I look forward to a holiday in northern France next week I’m spending a weekend in Saundersfoot with my eldest son and his family in the house he has restored and rebuilt. An incredible job however stressful. It’s quite beautiful. I’ve been shopping with my eldest granddaughter and paddling with my youngest grandson, not forgetting the middle grandson who swam in the sea and played football on the beach. My son and I have a close relationship. Life is too short to let that change. Particularly mine. I love him beyond words.

I finished my ink paintings of tiles inspired from my trip to Istanbul and also enjoyed a day retreat of yoga and botanical printing this month when I stayed in Oxwich in my chalet. The beach there remains a totally tranquil place for me.

March 2023 returning – meditation, sauna, swim

I’m back to my routine of weekends in my chalet in Oxwich after a winter back in Brecon. My dear friend Cathy died in January after a battle with cancer and that has hit me hard. She has been with me since I was ten as a pen pal in South Dakota. She’s been the sister I never had. We’ve grown up together, gone to university, married and had children, telling each other about our lives and thoughts. It’s been an incredible journey. I’ve been over there twice and she came to see me in Brecon in 2019. It’s been such a joy to know such a warm and giving person. We last spoke at Christmas on FaceTime. It was quite emotional. When I am in Oxwich I feel close to her remembering the day she paddled there with me, her first time in an ocean and it was right here.

Yesterday was another special day. It started at 7.30am with a walk down to the beach listening to a woodpecker and a partridge. As I walked towards the meeting point on the beach of an event I met a lady with an SLR camera walking towards me. She smiled and said she’d just seen two dolphins feeding on a shoal of fish close to the beach. I though sadly I’d missed them as I’d never seen them in the 3 years of walking on this beach! But I hadn’t they were there. I was smiling when I met the Rose and the other ladies of our group. We stood and watched the pair smoothly come out of the water in a gentle arc sometimes only one, sometimes together. It was very special. We talked about whether they were dolphins or porpoises and I think they were the latter. What a way to start a Sunday morning in March. I didn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. I would have liked my sons and their families to see them too. Perhaps they will some day.

The event was a Springtime meditation, swim and sauna on the beach. We were all wrapped up but it wasn’t icy or snowy as it has been and although there was a little drizzle that soon faded away. Even the wind was not that bad. We walked into the sand dunes and stood in a circle to do some breath work and small connected movements to strengthen our resilience to stress. It was so quiet, so still, as if we had walked into another parallel world. What we did was simple, easy yet so invigorating. We wandered back to the beach after some sitting meditation. Off came our layers and into the sea we all went, smiling, giggling in our swim suits – no wet suits for these women. It was fabulous. We had to dodge the waves but it was pretty cold once submerged. Then it was back onshore to get in this wonderful sauna on the beach Ty Sawna. It’s cylindrical like a gypsy caravan made in Lithuania, a wood burning sauna. Delicious after a cold sea swim. We all chatted and talked about all sorts. After 15 minutes we got out and had another swim and repeated this so we dipped in the sea three times altogether. The sauna has a half circle window overlooking the huge expanse of the sea which is a wonderful vista as we watched people walking with their dogs. After 55 minutes we had to get out and dress in the open air- not an easy activity. We gathered around Rose’s car and drank chai and ate vegan cakes to bring the event to a close. Reflecting on this experience I feel that I gain so much, I return to a good emotional place.

Tram Sunday and visiting graves in July 2022

I wanted to put flowers on Mum’s grave as I promised her on her birthday. Last year I met my brother there in June, but this year I wanted to combine it with the Tram Sunday event in Fleetwood which I’d visited before with mum and dad. My wonderful son’s partner volunteered to come too which was a delightful surprise. As I was nervous about a long drive after my eye operation she drove. That also made it like a real holiday for me as I didn’t want it to be a sad occasion. Unfortunately it was during a heatwave so we had to be careful. Sunglasses and hats at all times.

It was so good to be back at St Hildas church in Bilsborrow. I was home in that place with all my family. The flowers looked lovely. Inside I was deeply sad, I wanted to hug them all. Is that crazy? The church and graveyard were immaculate. Such a beautiful and peaceful place. I remembered getting married there. I looked at our old house Greenacres as we passed on our way to Garstang and Booths for lunch. Then across the Fylde to Fleetwood glimpsing Blackpool Tower on the way.

Being back in Fleetwood was lovely, lots of warm memories and a gorgeous sea view from the North Euston Hotel. Everyone was so warm and I appreciated that on such a busy weekend. We went to the amazing market as me and mum had loved wandering through the stalls. The old trams were interesting but the festival atmosphere along the Main Street was great as 50-70 thousand people descended on Fleetwood. Stalls lined the main street with fairground rides in the side streets. It was buzzing unlike the usual quiet dowdy streets. The wacky parade was unusual which we watched outside an Italian restaurant drinking coffee and drawing people. I stood on a chair to video parts of the parade. Then we wandered further to an indoor car boot sale and on to Freeport outlet – one of my favourite places I went to with mum – trying on clothes and shoes together. I enjoyed K’s company when shopping. We returned to the festival which was now like Brecon Jazz with bands playing and everyone drinking and sitting in the park near the hotel. It was scorching hot. We managed to persuade the hotel restaurant manager to let us have a table to play Rummikub as it was empty. We had a glass of wine there and I began to win at last! The main bar was heaving, standing room only and long long queues for drinks! After a short siesta we returned to the Italian restaurant for dinner. It was gorgeous food – giant prawns cooked in lobster sauce and stir fried veg. So tasty. The staff were exhausted but the chef came out to check we were happy with the food. Walking back to the hotel the street was deserted, everything packed away, only the pubs were spilling out on to the pavement with very drunk people but no nastiness or fighting. It was a bit surreal as it had been so packed with stalls and rides, families with prams, tattooed women and half clothed men, ladies with Zimmer frames or walking sticks, hardly room to move earlier. It felt like it had been a film set and now the filming had finished. Quite odd. I had loved it’s energy of the festival.

A short siesta before Rummikub and a snack in the bar.

The next day we caught the tram to Blackpool where we went to the Pleasure Beach only to find that you can’t wander around the rides unless you had a forty pound ticket! We both had fond childhood memories there, but we detoured into the arcade on the front where I was reacquainted with slot machines and the wonderful two penny machines. Back on the tram we travelled back to the central pier and walked to the end past all the stalls and arcades to have a cold drink at the end and watch bathers in the sea. It really is a vast beach. Another visit to an arcade to try and win a prize for Monty and enjoy spending a couple of quid. Strict limits. K is very good at it and I enjoyed it. It was just good fun. Only spent 2 pounds and we laughed as tickets poured out of the 2p machine. We pooled our winnings and managed to swap our tickets for toys. Then off we went on the tram to find this Spanish restaurant I’d found on TripAdvisor that was good for tapas. We had to wait for a free table but it was absolutely delicious. A good find. Back on the tram along the long promenade to the hotel. It’s handy having the tram terminus outside the hotel.

A short stroll on the beach before a siesta and Rummikub in the bar. Each day of this short trip was getting hotter. Our journey home worried me as the news started saying avoid travelling. We set off early after breakfast and made good time til just before the Thelwell viaduct where roadworks concertinaed 4 lanes into 3 and we had 20 mins of very very slow traffic. It was boiling hot. With no air on we had the windows opened fully to survive 35.5 degrees. It was lovely not driving. We stopped at the quirky Lockgate cafe just past Tarporley, one of my old stopping places when I used to drive from Brecon to Preston. Delightful place. Then we stopped at Ludlow Farm Centre. Having food was a mistake as service was painfully slow and it wasn’t very cool. The farm shop did not disappoint – fab cheese and old Gloucester spot bacon and sausages. The cheese lady was from Nateby near Garstang. Great Lancashire accent. I fell asleep on the next bit, thank goodness I wasn’t driving. When I got home to Brecon I felt as if I’d been away for a fortnight not three nights. I was exhausted so had a cuppa, a shower then crashed out asleep! What a wonderful few days, drawing, Rummikub, old memories, new memories, back in Lancashire, back to Bilsborrow and mum, dad, gran and grandad’s graves, back to my roots. Happy days.

On Central pier Blackpool

Three ladies waiting for the parade in Fleetwood

View across to the Lake District from my hotel window

Wacky parade

Only in Blackpool!,

Gorgeous dawn

April walking and swimming and Ukraine

My walking has become a meditation when I feel truly myself mostly on the long sweeping beach at Oxwich Bay. It’s wonderfully underdeveloped, just sand dunes and sea. They’ve banned the launch of jet skis so no droning wasp sounds in the evening. I prefer watching the amazing kite surfers when it’s windy and paddle boarders when it’s calm. Each week my grandson and I explore the rock pools and paddle in the curling waves, giving me the best feeling ever. He’s a very special little person. Every time I pick up an interesting shell I think of my gran and mum. I can see them both bending from the waist absorbed in their search on so many beaches in my life. Shells and stones are so beautiful to look at and draw, taking you somewhere calm and tranquil along this huge expanse of a seascape. The feel of their texture is like a comfort to me, helping to take worries away or at least accept them. A moment of calm. I love looking at the sea, however it is behaving. This month it has been different every weekend. It fascinates me. I’ve been in twice only to swim, it’s still mightily cold but zinging when you come out to dry. Paddling on the way back from my walk to Three Cliffs Bay continues to delight and is really good for my feet.

I met a lady and her son from Ukraine one Sunday as I walked past a holiday house singing ‘The wheels on the bus” to my grandson as he’d slipped into a rock pool and got squelchy wellies and socks when we saw a crab and we both got over excited. She spoke little English but explained that they had come from the centre of the country which was bombed by planes and she was so happy here. Her little boy was six and instantly played tag with Monty, chasing each other and standing on the gate watching the horses. The second time we saw her I took a welcome present of toiletries, nail varnish, hand cream, a Batman toothbrush and a sketch pad with pencils. They were delighted. Then as we returned from a walk she appeared with two sets of pyjamas for Monty. So lovely a gesture.

Swimming each week on a Friday in the local pool with Monty has been so good. He treats it like a play area, but along the way he has a strong kick and has the beginnings of a front crawl with his swimming aids. These weekly routines are important to us both. We finish off with an ice cream lolly and a soft play session in the pool cafe. Then it’s off to get fish and chips. The day is filled with joy.

We had a lovely egg rolling family get together on Easter Monday when all four grandchildren played together on the beach and we hid eggs outside my chalet for them to find. It was such a nice occasion, everyone eating, talking and playing together. Just being.

Missing mum but I’ve got to accept that sadness for a little longer.

My eldest grandchild in full flight

March happiness and sadness and eyes

This month I’m allowed back into my chalet in Oxwich. I am ridiculously excited and I went down there on the first weekend to open up properly and stay there. Like it wasChristmas again! When I arrived it was so calm and quiet, so special. I returned to my daily beach walks, the expanse of sand and sea and sky is liberating. So began my weekend visits, my little holidays. I am getting stronger at dealing with my grief, it doesn’t go away. I still miss my mum and dad, and recently gran and grandad. Just remembering our times together. Tears arrive unexpectedly from the strangest of triggers. Sadness pervades most days except when I’m with my sons and their families. I keep trying to find alternatives so as not to burden them. I attended two Over 50s wellness sessions in Swansea and a day session in Oxwich with Rose Fisher. Calming and challenging – thinking, talking and yoga balancing and breathing. On the day course in Oxwich we went swimming at lunchtime- my second cold water swim and it was even colder than in February! But just as exhilarating- what a blast! I haven’t had the courage to do this on my own yet. In the middle of March I collected my eldest granddaughter and took her to Oxwich for one night- her first away from home with me on her own. She completely rearranged the chalet and just brought such a smile to my face. She was having a ball. The following day we went to a jewellery workshop on the Gower. It was delightful. We had such a lovely time making necklaces and bracelets. She was in her element and just made things for her mum and friends so I made her a bracelet and necklace. She was so selfless and generous to others. This was one of my Christmas presents to her. A great success and so enjoyable. The only negative thing in March was my eye test when the optician said I needed glasses for driving an operation to remove cataracts from my eyes and new synthetic lenses. I went into a meltdown emotionally. The operation was one thing, loss of my sight another.

The dipping group at Oxwich

A morning dip 8.15am March 2022

January 2022 A month of celebrations, anniversaries and remembering

The New Year starts. I’m fearful and joyful about what January brings to my life. Celebrations come in the form of my youngest son’s 35th birthday, my estranged brother’s 72nd birthday, my son’s partner’s birthday (? 33), their 8th anniversary of their first date, a friend’s 68th birthday, my grandson’s 7th birthday and Mum’s death on the 25th two years ago. What a list. I can think of stories to go with each of these occasions that will make me laugh and those that will make me cry. Each is a bundle of memories unwrapped ready for their day. I’m trying to dwell on the positive memories as January is not a good month for negativity.

Drawing on January 2nd 2022

Christmas 2021

Christmas Day – wonderful to be with my youngest son and his family- didn’t want to leave the joy of my grandson.

Boxing Day – another wonderful day with both sons and their families – lots of food, noise and excitement, so much to see and admire, to enjoy. The children all together enjoying each other’s games and imaginings, delighting in each other. Play kitchens have been a hit, Sonic and Mario too. Walking in the park was so busy, uncomfortable, but two smiling three years olds on the swings soon faded that feeling. Tired. No one wanted to play cards or Rummikub sadly.

So now without grandkids I feel incomplete, but have many house jobs to do and books to read, cupboards to sort out, walks to do, if the rain allows me to. My sleep pattern needs sorting too. My brother and his partner have COVID-19 and so I’m worried as it is such an unpredictable disease – mild for some, life threatening for others. My dear American pen pal in South Dakota who has cancer was wonderfully surprised when I FaceTimed her on Christmas Day- she looked really good, it was lovely talking to her as if she was just down the road. Let’s hope that all the chemotherapy is worth it. Must get some sleep. I made it mum without you here. I almost feel guilty that I didn’t have a meltdown. I write this for you so you know what’s going on in our lives. I can’t stay in my Oxwich chalet until March so my long beach walks will be missed every day. I better get back to walking along the canal.

Roath Park in Cardiff on Boxing Day

Oxwich beach

My first beach find of sea glass – hoping for larger and colourful piece next time. It’s really hard to find.

A December drawing

Dear Mum- a second Christmas without you 2021

Dear Mum, Feeling emotional and it’s not quite Christmas yet! Choosing presents for other people, wrapping lovely things for my sons, my grandsons, my granddaughter, son’s partners – like my own daughters, my husband, my brother and his partner and friends, but not you my dearest mum. The one I have been with for 65 years, closer as the years passed. I so much wanted to choose loads of presents for you, surprise you, watch you open and enjoy them like before. I was doing so well, trying to live with my grief and loss, but not tonight. I am glad I am on my own tonight in one way so others don’t see me like this.

Earlier I was talking to you on the beach in Oxwich trying to work out how to get through this time without you. I thought the first Christmas would be the worst and did not expect this strength of emotion a year later for the second Christmas. I just have to remember the millions of great memories I have of our life together. And the future with my sons and grandchildren, watching them continue to grow into wonderful human beings. The time I have left has to continue to be about helping others. I am not important apart from what I do to help others in any small way I can. I don’t say this lightly, it is the reason for living.

Halloween and October holidays

This month I have enjoyed some great holidays, starting with our annual family gathering in Pembrokeshire at a gorgeous house in Saundersfoot. Twelve of us together, two sons with their families and my brother and his partner with me and my husband. Children everywhere delighted to be together. Wild abandon coupled with some coughs which spread through us all! Beach walking with donuts, talking, eating and playing, an early Halloween party and hot tubbing in the evening was joyous. I love to watch them all. Naturally my thoughts turned to missing mum. She loved this week together though her hearing made it difficult sometimes. I told everyone about my hearing aid which was strange, slightly embarrassing. I had a skin reaction to the hot tub, but it was worth it to sit overlooking the beach and town in the dark, even when some nights the rain fell, with some wine and having good conversation. It’s the only time that we get together now with my brother. It would have been wonderful if he had had kids.

The following week I travelled to Edinburgh with my brother. My week was split between Edinburgh and the Cairngorms. It was just great. Art galleries, restaurants, sightseeing, playing Canasta. The mountains were majestic, sometimes clothed in misty fog, rivers were edged with golden Autumnal trees. Dundee V&A was superb. Walking on Portobello beach was my usual delight. Unfortunately we all succumbed to the grandchildren’s bugs so had a few days battling with a cold and cough. But we survived.

My thoughts were with Cathy and her struggle with her horrible illness. I might be able to get out to America later this month if she’s well enough. We’ll see. My own life seems different somehow and I still get a feeling of disconnectedness, feeling like I’m somewhere else, a sadness really that I can explain but have no control over. Thinking about how long I might have left and what should I do, what difference I can make to my sons lives sometimes is confusing and sometimes is depressing. I can’t talk to anyone about this except in small chunks with my sons. It almost feels like I’m being self indulgent. Visiting Mum’s grave on the way to Scotland was very emotional and reminded me that bereavement is with us all of the time just in different concentrations. It can catch me out sometimes in its intensity. At other times it is a wonderful memory that makes me smile.