Eye injection and operation survived in June

Today is 48 hours since my eye operation to remove cataracts and replace the lens. My eyesight has been deteriorating quickly since Christmas so when I went for an extra eye test it wasn’t a huge surprise when the optician told me I needed this operation. I knew I needed help but I wished I could have a general anaesthetic not local. Naturally I read everything I could find and when I saw the consultant I was still hoping for a general not local. I was advised against a general so reluctantly accepted this. The consultant put me at my ease and didn’t come across as pompous or arrogant. He listened to my anxieties. At this point I still didn’t think I had the inner strength to go through with it.

I spoke to a relative’s sister who had recently gone through it and she answered my questions honestly about her experience. That helped, but my dread continued eating away at me as I waited for the operation day. Then my op was put back a week. Then I caught Covid for the first time and only tested negative one day before the window for the operation but I had lived in fear of what Covid might unleash on me, fear of giving it to my family, fear that the op would be cancelled or postponed, fear of someone injecting into my eye. I was quite a mess inside my head.

So I had to convince myself that these guys were experts, had done this operation loads of times so it was routine to them. I had to give them complete control over me for less than an hour. How easy that sounds. Mental battles with yourself are awful. Even when you win you also lose. The last ten days were the worse, but at least I didn’t have Covid. Thank goodness for tennis on the TV- Queens, Eastbourne and the beginning of Wimbledon. Plus new episodes of Borgen to begin on Netflix. I felt exhausted. And I hadn’t even set foot in the hospital yet.

My main problem was the anaesthetic and it was truly strange. After eye drops to numb the surface of the eye the anaesthetist injects into the eye around the back of the eye to numb the whole eye socket from the eyebrow to the cheekbone. I had read about it so I knew what happens, but was surprised when I had to look up towards him and could see him and the hyperdermic needle. The image will stay with me forever. But I kept super still and with some discomfort and not a sharp pain it was done. We then had to wait a little time so just chatted! I kept my self together by breathing steadily and telling myself this will soon be over, holding the nurse’s hand, listening to the surgeon as he was really encouraging. I could see lights and hear the lazer but no pain, more of a sensation or pressure when he was working on the cataract. Every so often he would quietly say – stay absolutely still no sudden movements so I presume he was doing the tricky bits like putting in the new lens. I was in the theatre at 11am, out before 12 , had lunch then after some blood pressure checks off we went. I had an eye guard on but they had removed the dressing amazingly. Unbelievably I just have to put eye drops in 4 times a day for 3-4 weeks and that’s it, assuming there’s no after effects- my new eye lens is there to stay. I can’t believe it. Yesterday everything was blurry, in the evening it’s like someone has switched on the high definition button. Colours are amazing, clarity perfect, just a little bit of a headache now and again which will pass once the anaesthetic wears off . The iris is now the usual size but I’m wearing sunglasses outside for protection. Very cool. I’ve had my blood pressure checked again as it was a bit high even after the operation and that’s back to normal.

So I’m left with amazing eyesight through my new lens. I feel I have survived rather than been brave. It feels like it has happened to someone else- a bit surreal. I don’t feel elated just relieved. All that time wasted on fear. One funny thing that happened was that the nurse wheeled me from my room to the theatre in a wheelchair. As we turned the corner she took me to the lift to go down one floor. I smiled as I had to stop myself from telling her I had a phobia of lifts, a deep fear…… I closed my eyes and just listened to her chatting away to me. I survived that too!

March18th 2021 The past haunts and enchants

My brain filters out memories at different times. I thought I’d remember every good moment in my life and suppress all the bad things that have happened, but that’s not how it is working out. I know how damaging my thoughts about what has happened to me are. There’s lots of ways of dealing with negative thoughts about those people who have hurt me and I’ve tried most of them. So what should I do? My sadness is not good for me. My hatred and distrust of some people is not want I want in my life. These people probably have no thought about me and what they have done. Do I want to be defined by others actions? I worry about my own decisions at moments of intense stress caused by the actions of others were the right ones. I say to myself that I cannot change any of it so move on. Concentrate on the future and my grandchildren. Enjoy so many great memories with my family and students. Sounds simple doesn’t it?

Daily Prompt: Elicit

via Daily Prompt: Elicit

Thoughts or actions – elicit thoughts are bad enough but when acted upon then you’re in real trouble. When you watch those you love working through that process it’s scary, also quite weird that you can do that and thinking about whether they know that you are watching them, you are drawn into something uncomfortable and hurtful and humiliating without wanting to be there. It’s hard to decide whether to intervene, feels like a rollercoaster of emotions. Trust disappears. Hollowness is left and the road ahead seems too difficult to follow.

June 2016 Thinking of Dad

Just got back from a Moderators Conference in Cardiff and listened to the Listening Project on Radio 4 that made me weep and think of dad. I miss him so much and it’s been 10 years. Could not get great sadness from my mind. Tried to read Tom Bullough’s book but it only made it worse as it is full of sadness and regret. That lead to my regrets and thinking about the waste in my past. Need to be more optimistic as I used to be. Come on…..Wondered what mark I will leave……

I’ve been missing my grandchildren – aged 3 and 1. It was good to see them again after my Spanish holiday. They give me great happiness when I look after them each week but it can be challenging. I want to see them grow and develop and blossom into beautiful adolescents and adults. I feel very protective of them yet also a little detached. I want them to love reading and drawing, going to art galleries, making things, helping people, be good listeners and be open minded about the world and find wonderful partners who do not betray their trust. No pressure then!!!!!!!

Today (Saturday) after my son dug out an old diseased cherry tree that dad had given me I planted, with great difficulty, an acer tree that has been growing in a pot on my patio. It looks tiny but will look gorgeous when it settles and grows taller. I am so pleased it brings a smile to my face every time I look out of the window and see it. The grass is a bit of a mess around it but that will settle eventually.