November 2018 Moving A 91 Year Old Starting My 65th Year On This Earth

November 2018 is certainly going to be different from any other month this year or any year so far!

Yes we finished the renovations in time- just. The final decoration was finished when I was in London for the weekend. Scary – had to leave them to it! It is lovely – the bathroom is above my expectations and the kitchen is gorgeous. Can’t quite believe it.

Mum is moved in and relatively settled. I can’t say I enjoyed the day but after sleepless nights and a mountain of worry it’s done. Everyday we open another box and sort out either a place for the contents or it goes to charity or landfill. It’s lovely being able to see her everyday. My two sons, their partners and four grandchildren arrived on the second day to help and although a bit chaotic it was great, so full on and baby orientated I loved it.

The rest of my life has to be squeezed in somehow. Turning 64 came and went sadly without much of a fanfare, probably for the best, bit depressing but that’s normal!

Life drawing on Monday’s continues to uplift and inspire and challenge me.

October 2018 fretting

October has begun and I’m still looking after mum. I had a brief visit home in September for 3 days to meet my new grandson on the 16th – Monty Eric Meredith- my youngest son’s first child with his amazing partner Kayleigh. It was very emotional for me- way more than expected. I’ve been away from him for the rest of September so now I’m going home on the 7th October and will be over to cuddle him ASAP! I’ve been wading through thousands of photographs from mum’s attic and helping her select some for a photo box. Turned into an epic job and full of memories mostly good but also filled me with a deep sense of loss. I can’t talk to anyone about this loss but it keeps me awake at night and I feel a bit disconnected with the world because of it. A bit sad.  No doubt someone could psychoanalyse that! Add to that my sense of dread that I might stuff up mum’s move and buying and selling of houses that makes me totally messed up and in need of a hug from someone. I have made a promise to myself to start sorting out my attic when I get home. I recognise I have too much stuff and I don’t want any more. I want less stuff. I’m going to pretend I’m moving into a small house and need to downsize. We’ll see. I want to feel happy again. I’m looking forward to having the whole family together in Saundersfoot in West Wales in mid October from aged 91 to 4 weeks old. It’ll be mayhem with 4 grandkids, but glorious too. And there’s a hot tub……

October week in Saundersfoot was divine. Only missing part of the family was my youngest son and partner and the newborn grandson Monty. Walking on the beach, soaking in the hot tub, drawing with my grandchildren and something unexpected- not for publication! Everyone seemed to relax. Mum went home with my brother to continue packing her stuff and when I returned to Brecon I began the gutting of her new bungalow. We completed whilst we were on holiday, so the saga continues- out comes the bathroom and kitchen and I have 4 weeks to renovate everything. I thought I was stressed before- now I am really stressed. It has taken over my entire life and thought processes! I feel utterly responsible for my Mum’s future happiness. I am dealing with plumbers, electricians, kitchen and bathroom fitters, gas central heating engineers, carpet fitters, carpet cleaners, decorators, wardrobe fitters, French door fitters ( and hole in the wall bashers!) as well as Council tax, water board, electricity and gas, refuse collections, telephone and internet providers, car insurance, driving licence, buildings and contents insurance, doctors, dentists, libraries, pension people, estate agents for the old house, solicitors and getting to know new neighbours for mums arrival in November. Like in the Oscars speeches – I may have missed someone out! Will it be finished in time……. Not quite Grand Designs but I can understand that pressure. All will be revealed in November if I make it.

January – July 2018

Been away from this blog for awhile so I’ll just do a quick catch up before I get more organised and keep to monthly posts.

January was nor exceptional. however I was delighted to have 2 paintings accepted for the Winterwall exhibition in a Cardiff Gallery called M.A.D.E. They were my 2 small White Landscapes I painted on Japanese paper and tissue paper. I love those paintings and don’t really want to sell either of them, but it was good to let other people see them. I took my two grandchildren to see the exhibition. No-one else in my family went to see it apart from hubby. Sad.

February. Attended the Regional Samaritans Conference in Tenby – even though weather rubbish I love walking on that beach.  I had a larger area in the Glasbury Art Exhibition this year – I showed all my sketchbooks – 3 years worth. Also I exhibited three White Landscapes and 2 feather ink drawings. Looked great. Was very proud. Also spent one hour every day from Fri-Wed drawing in the exhibition and inviting members of the public to join me. Very interesting and it felt really worthwhile. Hubby and one son saw the exhibition. Had some lovely positive encouraging comments given to me about my concertina sketchbooks which were spread out to show the drawings. I began life drawing sessions in Llanigon Village Hall to get ready for my life drawing trip to Berlin in May.

March. The biggest event was the arrival of my third grandchild – Isaac Llewelyn at 5.45a.m. on 3rd March in Cardiff. Pretty special you thing. He has a cleft lip which they are planning to operate on when he is 3 or 4 months old. He’s lovely. I organised a crazy day on the 20th March – Samaritans on the Railway at Llandrindod Wells. We met every train from 5.30a.m. until 9pm meeting passengers and staff to raise awareness of volunteering for Samaritans. Hard work but good fun.

April. I had the scary prospect of dog sitting my son’s two dogs for 4 days whilst they went to my brother in Edinburgh for a break. It swing from delightful to horrendous in equal measures – I won’t elaborate here!!!!! During that break my son proposed to his partner and she said yes of course. That was in the Science Museum in Edinburgh on the balcony. Romance is alive thank goodness.

May. I went on a life drawing holiday to Berlin meeting the other 5 people on Stansted airport! A bit scary as I knew no-one just booked it on the internet. I loved every day. It was great and challenging and inspiring. Decided to keep going to the Life Drawing classes for the rest of the year in Llanigon. I’m improving and feeling more confident as it is so difficult to be consistent.

June. Moderating for 2 weeks in Exeter and Liverpool. Fitted in a night with mum too. Hotels were brilliant. Did a little shopping in both cities which was fun.

July – main event was my first visit to Silverstone to watch the British Grand Prix and spend 5 nights camping on the GP Festival site. Scorching hot but had a great time. Slept in my brothers awning tent attached to his camper van and another friend camped in a separate tent. Strange to walk at dawn to the toilet block for a wee and having conversations with the 24 hour security guard. Enjoyed the comedy tent and Whispering Bob Harris’s music evenings of new talent. Loved it. Mum came back to Brecon to bungalow hunt for her move to Brecon. She’s 91 this month and we had a little BBQ party for her. I am finding it stressful finding a good bungalow for her. I just want to find a little gem for her as it is a huge move for her. Isaac went in for his operation and it was a huge success. Quite amazing. A relief for everyone. I was heavily involved in the Crucial Crew event in 9 high schools working with other organisations giving talks to 12 year olds about emotional health and coping strategies. Tiring but worthwhile.

So how am I feeling? Lonely and unloved. It doesn’t matter how busy we are when you are feeling unvalued by those you love you feel like running away. Let’s see what August brings.

 

September -October-November

Autumn into Winter

September was just doing my normal routines, duties, daily drawing, grand – parenting and visiting Mum in Preston. The big event was the front room parquet floor being restored. After being covered since the fifties it was an amazing transformation. It is fantastic. I love it. It is now my favourite room.

October continued, but at the end of the month I collected mum from Preston and we all went to Saundersfoot for a week in a gorgeous house overlooking the beach with a hot tub. It was great to have 4 generations of my family together. Helen is expecting their third child in February so we’ve lots to look forward to. It was a wonderful week. I started my third year of daily drawing this week.

November was my birthday month so I invited my sons and their families to my house to celebrate. It was perfect. Two of my paintings were accepted for the Winterwall exhibition in the Cardiff MADE gallery. I was so chuffed. Quite a special day. They are white treescapes on tissue paper. The trees are tiny silhouettes on top of the mountain opposite my house – my daily view.

My annul visit to the O2 to see the ATP Tennis finals happened in a different way – I stayed with L. (university friend) and together we managed to see the Tate Britain’s Rachel Whiteread’s exhibition and the tennis, some long conversations and then I visited my brother and his daughter and met my new grand niece Erin for the first time as  well as my other two grand nice and nephew. A frustrating visit but the kids were superb.

September Escapades

Had hoped to be in Crete, but no chance. Surrounded by damaged human bodies!
Spent first day of September in hospital at a fracture clinic with mum – better than we’d thought, but 6-9 weeks for healing everything. C still has bad back so no flying. No Crete. Wonder if I could escape for a week away on my own – I’ll start planning!

Today there is an eery mist surrounding everything. Woke early but mist did not clear for hours. This is how I feel at the moment. Still grieving.

Planning some talks to sixth form students to go on an International Youthweek in Aurich, northern Germany. This will be different as I normally take students I know and these are from two different schools. Wondering about the difference – a new experience since retiring. Exciting or scary?

My niece had a baby girl last week – Matilda. Hope to see her in November.

My grandchildren freaked me out early in September – felt so useless, I couldn’t get anything right when I looked after them. This was a first and it really upset me. Surely I can do this. This week it was much better but exhausting. I don’t want any pointless battles. Must plan some surprises for next week.

Been picking blackberries in Cardiff, in Brecon and near Llandovery in the sun. I’m addicted. I love it – time stands still, you hear the birds singing, you watch life passes, then you can make jam or jelly – it’s just sensational. Everyone should be doing it – why aren’t they????

Drawing more trees this month – but not many……